I told a guy my name over the phone today and I swear to God he asked me if I could spell it." Jarlath Regan "I proposed on December 24 because that way if my wife ever leaves me I've ruined Christmas for her." Bobby Mair "I desperately need a holiday - I'm so pale right now, I'm whiter than Donald Trump's dreams for the future." Lauren Pattison "My parents have been married for 40 years.
I don't know how they do it, they make it look so hard." Carmen Lynch "I have hay fever.
Edinburgh Fringe audiences are currently roaring with laughter at some of the best stand-ups in the business - but who says only those north of the border should get all the LOLs?
If you're not making a trip to the mammoth cultural jamboree but are in need of a chuckle, we've rounded up this year's best one-liners, covering everything from Trump to taxidermy. Because who can afford a TV License and heating." Aatif Nawaz "I get so annoyed when people serving me in fast food places are as slow as I would be if I worked there." Pierre Novellie "So no one turned up to the first meeting of my Sarcasm Club - despite loads of people saying how much they were looking forward to it." Milton Jones "What do you get if you catch two thieves?
Every cloud." Lorna Shaw "Racism is like an erection. It will pop up at the most inconvenient moments - the supermarket queue, on the bus, in court." Shazia Mirza "A job interview is basically a 30 minute game where you pretend being able to afford to live and eat isn't your main motivation for work." Alex Kealy "You used to go in a cafe and buy a black coffee, but now with gentrification and political correctness, you go in a cafe and buy an 'African Americano'." Stoph Demetriou "Some people hear my voice and just assume I'm thick.The Sumatran tiger is a subspecies of tiger found only on the Indonesian island of Sumatra and it is estimated that fewer than 400 of these majestic tigers are left in the wild.Whilst these tigers are protected by law in Indonesia, increased deforestation and poaching has led to their significant decline and, without help, the Sumatran tiger faces the very real threat of extinction.Virgin Trains plans to bring regular journey times down to four hours and will boost capacity out of Kings Cross by 28 per cent at peak times.The Azuma is a nine-car bi-mode train capable of travelling on both electric and diesel power.The sun shines a little more frequently than normal (only a little) and there’s a whole host of different things to see, do, eat and, of course, to drink.